Keeping score without keeping score

Warm intros run on reciprocity. The moment someone feels you're tracking favors, they stop doing them.

So you need to know who's helped you, and you can never let it show.

Why the ledger matters

A network that only gives to you dries up. People who forward your notes are spending their own credibility. If you never return it, they notice. They won't say anything. They'll just be busy the next time you ask.

And there's a quieter problem. If you lean on the same three people for every intro, you wear them out. You need to know who you've asked lately so you can spread the asks.

That's the score you keep. Not who owes you. Who you owe, and who you've asked too often.

The minute a favor becomes a trade, it loses its warmth.

"I introduced you to my client, so you owe me one" is a contract. People don't like contracts with friends. A senior connector who senses they're on your tally will start to feel used, and they'd be right.

So you keep notes. You don't keep a public balance. You never mention a past favor when you ask for the next one.

After every intro, note three things. Who made it. Who they connected you to. What came of it.

Then note anything you learned about the connector. A project they mentioned. A hire they're trying to make. A problem they're working on.

That's your list of ways to give back. It's not about matching favors one to one. It's about knowing enough about each person that you can help when the chance comes up.

How to give back without making it a trade

Give first, and give in ways that cost you a little time.

Send a connector an intro they'd want before they ask. Share a piece of research on a company they're watching. Recommend a candidate for that role they mentioned. Tell them how the intro they made turned out, especially when it went well.

The follow-up on an intro matters more than people think. A connector wants to know their note did something. The how to thank a connector post covers that part.

And don't wait for a reason. A short note to someone who helped you last year, with nothing attached, keeps the line warm.

How to ask the next time

When you ask someone who's helped before, keep the ask small and the exit easy.

Say a former colleague introduced you to a CFO last spring, and now you'd like a path to a COO at a different company they know well. Don't open with the earlier favor. Open with why this person, why now.

Make the forwardable note short and complete so they don't have to write anything. Tell them plainly that a no is fine. If they say they can't, thank them and move on without a word of disappointment.

That's how you ask a second and third time without wearing the relationship thin.

Spread the asks

Look at your notes before every ask. If you've gone to the same person twice this quarter, find another path.

Most target accounts have more than one route in. A former client, a partner, an investor, an old teammate. Mapping them is covered in mapping who you know at a target account.

The more routes you know, the less any one person carries. That's what keeps your network willing.

The real score

The only score that counts is whether people are glad to hear from you.

If your connectors open your notes expecting something useful, you're ahead. If they open them expecting another ask, you're behind, no matter how many intros they've made.

Keep the notes. Give more than you take. Never mention the balance.